Dear Colored Child

*Present Day* I'm 28 years old and I am just now feeling like I have found my dream and purpose. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being a wife and mother but it took me a long time to realize it's okay if I want to be more than that. I wanted people to know who I am outside of that. I wanted to know who I was outside of that.  I have characteristics about myself that I have realized are damaging to me. I am a people pleaser and a perfectionist. I still struggle with this even today but I want to say I'm getting better. I have a really hard time with constantly cleaning. It's very hard for me to just leave my kids' messes alone and they don't even have to be big messes. I have struggled to always have the need to always be liked. Peers, friends, everyone. It didn't matter if I knew them for 2 years or 5 minutes. It wasn't until I a few years ago when I realized that it's okay not to be liked by someone. It shattered me to the core when I lost

I told you this story wasn't going to be easy to read. I'm sure your own story isn't easy either. I want to tell you that you aren't alone. I'm going to tell you that the way you feel right now is only temporary.  I hope you're able to hold on. Hold on to something.  Something that you have always dreamed about. Hold to that little bit of hope. My hope was that being 18 was going to change my life and honestly it really did. I'm not giving much credit or any credit for that matter to God. I believe I have ancestors watching over me. I believe that someone who has seen my cries and seen my pain is watching me. I can feel that. Don't listen to those who make you feel smaller. Find someone who loves you for you.  Someone who loves all of you and if that someone is just you that's fine too. It's beautiful to love yourself. You can show up for yourself,  pull yourself up, hold yourself accountable, cheer yourself on and so much more. You don't hav

Shortly after our daughter was born our parents kept questioning when our daughter would receive her blessing. Zach wouldn't even be able to be apart of it. My dad apparently could though... how in the hell does that make sense. Someone with a history of abuse is able to give blessing but not the father of the child who has no rap sheet..... um okay. Anyway, I don't know what made us go through with it but continued to go to church. It was mainly only the holidays such as Christmas and Easter. I really wanted to be part of the church because I honestly didn't know any other way. I grew up believing that the LDS church was the only true church on the planet and to not worship any other Gods. It was a roller-coaster trying to commit to church especially when I was going alone. I mainly went so others could see that I was doing great. I wasn't the same girl when I was here last. I had grown up and started a family of my own. This didn't matter though. I felt a like a s

I was just finishing my senior year when I met my husband. I was at church when I first laid eyes on him. Specifically at sacrament meeting. I assumed from his outfit that he was a missionary.  He wore the usual white collar dress shirt and tie with nice black pants and a black NorthFace jacket.  I knew he was off limits so I didn't pay much mind to him after that. I then saw him again during second hour. I thought it was odd that a missionary was learning about what we were studying. I'm pretty sure it was the Old Testament. Literally the worse section of the Bible. It's extremely long and boring. Anyway, I smiled at him and I zone out in class and I cross my fingers that I don't get called on to read or share my thoughts. Not much to say. I was usually quiet. I mean it was already quiet but I'm never the one asking questions or volunteering to read a dozen pages. After church I went home and worked on school work and sat at my moms office desk when she received a

The repentance process is extremely difficult. I spoke with my Bishop. I will refrain from using any names. He has a beautiful family and I don't want to destroy anyone's image.  I was familiar with the Bishop. I had been interviewed for temple recommends many times by him. He has seen me grow from primary to young women's. So this was more than embarrassing to come forward and admit the things I went through. In order to repent in the Mormon church, you had to not only ask God on your own for forgiveness you and to speak everything that happened in as much detail as possible. The more detail the better so the Bishop knew you were truly sorry for the things you had done. This Bishop was very soft spoken. He was never loud. He wouldn't even make small jokes about anything. I almost feel kind of bad for speaking of him. He's not really the one I'm upset with. I'm frustrated with the process. Why is it a rule to discuss my sexual assault with a grown man. You d

When I turned 15 I gave up on everything.  I knew I wouldn't be worthy enough of my mother's respect.  My dad was completely out of my life at the time.  My brother was constantly in juvenile detention. You know, because our father has zero structure. There wasn't much My mom could do about that.  She had tried very hard to get my brother to move back but he refused over and over again. I'm sure now maybe he wishes he had.  It would've probably been easier to just suffer the ridiculous rules and constantly being grounded for breathing wrong than to keep winding up in detention. I wish I knew the struggles of my brother but I don't.  I was trying to make it out alive too. All I kept telling myself was, just hold till your 18th birthday.  You can do this.  You can leave and never look back. You can break the chains that have been weighing so damn heavy. You can stop carrying the load you've been meaning to drop. You can think of all the possibilities of the th

So you know how as Mormons we don't discuss the topics of sex at all even just the education aspects and the importance of boundaries? Well being a 13 year old girl who all of sudden sees boys or girls as someone in a romantic type of way. Without the proper discussions I had to figure out my thoughts and feeling myself. I was raised to believe that my thoughts were also God's thoughts. My thoughts needed to be clean and if they weren't I needed to repent. I struggled with my thoughts for years. I felt like I was constantly confused and thought there was something wrong with me. Not only can I not learn right in school but I was constantly asking God for forgiveness because my thoughts were unclean. I knew I had to figure this out because I would be going to the temple with the other kids. You're supposed to be ready for the temple and they ask you questions about your readiness.  1. Do you have faith in and a testimony of God, the Eternal Father; His Son, Jesus Christ;

When I was a younger the image I had become was not pretty. At least not to me. My hair was never done correctly and I didn't know how to manage and take care of my hair myself. My mom took me to salons that family advised but Gene Juarez  Academy was not it. I would show them my favorite style and usually it was Rihanna's latest hair style and at the time it was that rocker phase. You know the pixie cut Riri pulled off so well and I swear I could be just like her if I really tried. But failed miserably. My hair was my enemy growing up. I wish I had my brothers hair which was extremely easy to maintain. He just needed a buzz cut every month or so and his hair was perfect. Me, my hair didn't look like the rest of my family. Oh yes, let me back track. When I said we were adopted, I meant to point out that my brother and I are black/African American. Our parents are Caucasian and my mom is from Wyoming and my dad is from Roy, Utah. So ya.. my brother and I are the only colored

     My parents were and are very devoted Mormons. They were married 2 or 3 months after meeting. Definitely not enough time to get to know someone or see any red flags which my mom isn't perfect but my dad has MANY red flags. You know how the church is though. You are raised to learn that marrying a returned missionary is part of the plan of happiness and closer to the celestial kingdom.  Women are raised to be nurturing, loving, and devoted wives and we learn all of that by the age 12. So I guess with this mind set that's why my mom got married so young.  I don't understand what she saw in my dad. I asked and there really is no story to that. If I could go back in time just to see how my mom was before my dad ruined her I would. Im sure she was lovely. She must've been shy or quiet spoken. Now she is pretty loud, blunt, and doesn't take anyone's shit. I can't blame her though. My dad did that.  My dad is what they call a "Disney Land Dad" he'

    Dearest Reader,     This letter is for you. I see you. You want someone to relate to you. You're struggling just like I was. You want to be seen for you and not the person that your parents want you to be. I have a story that I hope will change the way we are seen and hopefully the way we are treated. I know I can't do this alone so I need your help. Read my story and share it with anyone you know who is just like you and I. If Mormons can do this with The Book Of Mormon we can do this to the truth and how we need change and help those who need hope that it gets better. Because it will get better and it takes time. It's gonna be a long journey to share this with so many of you but I am ready. Are you?