M & Z Part 2

Shortly after our daughter was born our parents kept questioning when our daughter would receive her blessing. Zach wouldn't even be able to be apart of it. My dad apparently could though... how in the hell does that make sense. Someone with a history of abuse is able to give blessing but not the father of the child who has no rap sheet..... um okay. Anyway, I don't know what made us go through with it but continued to go to church. It was mainly only the holidays such as Christmas and Easter. I really wanted to be part of the church because I honestly didn't know any other way. I grew up believing that the LDS church was the only true church on the planet and to not worship any other Gods.

It was a roller-coaster trying to commit to church especially when I was going alone. I mainly went so others could see that I was doing great. I wasn't the same girl when I was here last. I had grown up and started a family of my own. This didn't matter though. I felt a like a stranger in a place that I had always known. This place was in a way my escape for the things that were happening at home. I wasn't really ready to give that up. I was in the mother's lounge most of the time. I could only hear what was going on through the speaker on the the ceiling. I thought long and hard. Do I really need to be here? Would I even be missed? I don't exactly remember when my last Sunday was at church because I still attended events. My mom wanted to at least invite me to those after we moved out. Zach had zero interest in the events and I respected that. 

As our daughter was approaching 2 years old I had fully stopped going to church. I didn't want any part of it and we didn't want our daughter associated with Mormism at all. 

I had gone years without acknowledging the Mormon culture. We were living our lives and had moved on from all of it. I didn't even know there was exmormon community until 2021. I give the credit to TikTok. I can't recall which video I saw first but I was hooked.  The things that I thought about myself was all just tactics that church makes you feel. You are made to feel like you aren't worthy of being pure based on your mistakes. You are made to feel shame for being human.  I stayed up all night watching videos and researching The CES letter that was mentioned and it was mind boggling. I had to literally stop myself so I could get some sleep. I had been lied to my whole life and not just me but everyone. The church has been around for so long and they have grown so much that the possibility of it crashing down anytime soon is extremely slim. They have money flying out of their pockets. The elderly are probably the most faithful. Our parents and grandparents who have been faithful for years will likely never change their beliefs. It was shocking to heat stories of those that struggled that they felt shame to receive help from the church. There were stories of parents having to choose between putting food on the table or paying their tithing. We all were raised go believe if we give we receive. But what if we don't receive until later. Do those who have been faithful all their life really have to scrap by to make ends meet when times are tough? It just seems like the God that I thought I knew only was there for the ones he wanted to be. If you weren't faithful enough,  it seemed you were not getting the same amount of blessings as others. I have been listening to so many podcasts and reading about people's stories that I wanted to tell my story too.