Returning to God

The repentance process is extremely difficult. I spoke with my Bishop. I will refrain from using any names. He has a beautiful family and I don't want to destroy anyone's image.  I was familiar with the Bishop. I had been interviewed for temple recommends many times by him. He has seen me grow from primary to young women's. So this was more than embarrassing to come forward and admit the things I went through. In order to repent in the Mormon church, you had to not only ask God on your own for forgiveness you and to speak everything that happened in as much detail as possible. The more detail the better so the Bishop knew you were truly sorry for the things you had done. This Bishop was very soft spoken. He was never loud. He wouldn't even make small jokes about anything. I almost feel kind of bad for speaking of him. He's not really the one I'm upset with. I'm frustrated with the process. Why is it a rule to discuss my sexual assault with a grown man. You don't get a choice to who you speak to. As much as I didn't want to even discuss what happened because it was still fresh in my mind. It was only a week ago. I still needed time to heal from my wounds. As soon as I told my mom a slightly different story of how it went down. She set me up an appointment with the Bishop almost immediately when I told her. When I told him in detail of what happened, he was honestly apologetic. He sympathized that he was sincerely sorry for what I went through. He also asked me if I was pregnant. I said no because from what I thought I wasn't. I hadn't missed my period yet and I wasn't sick. I didn't know much about being pregnant but I did know some signs. He told me I was going to take a break from receiving the sacrament. I was told to think about the things I did and what I can do next time to avoid those situations. We visited once a week for about a month. The longest month I have ever been through. I knew people might suspect something. They didn't know what but I knew they were watching my every move during Sacrament Meeting. It was only my mom and I on the bench most of the time so I wasn't hard to miss where I was. My mom tormented me about what I had discussed with the Bishop. She would yell at me that I was a liar and I'm being dishonest. She didn't like not being included in the conversation. I was confused because this doesn't have anything to do with you.  You weren't there. You didn't make me go to anyone's house. When we die, God is judging one at a time I think so your turn is not during my turn. My mom grounded me as usual. I was already grounded so let's just say I'm never allowed to do anything again. Mind you,  I'm trying to get better so I'm being punished for doing just that too. I was 17 at this point and I promised myself no more relationships so I can focus on making it to 18. It was only a few months later when I met my then boyfriend. We met when I was doing track and field.  I was a junior and he was a senior. He actually met my mom when she came to my meets. She didn't like him of course. He wasn't Mormon soooo the chances of me bringing him home were like -0. I snuck out to see him constantly. I ran to his house which was not far from me at all. I'm not joking when I said ran because it was in the middle of the night when I ran to his house so not much traffic. My mom no longer worried if I was getting drunk because I had gained her trust again. She still grounded me but she didn't wake up to me leaving the house. Lucky for me my mom is a HEAVY sleeper. Mount Rainer could blow up and she would be asleep. Anyway, we had sex frequently. I hated everything about it. It didn't matter if I was on my period or not we did it. He would catch the bus with me on days my mom would be late so he would come over. 

One day I just wasn't interested in having sex. I wanted him to just be there. He couldn't even do that. He just kept telling me how horny he was and that he just needed me. I eventually caved in. My mom shockingly enough allowed me to attend his prom when it was prom time. I was even able to get my own dress! I don't have this dress anymore and I have no memory of where I got it but I loved it. It was mine. It wasn't my cousins that I frequently borrowed dresses from them all the time. I had my own shoes that also wasn't borrowed from a close friend. It was finally his last few weeks of school. One afternoon I had enough. I just wanted him to listen and just be there. I was having a hard time. My mom was still grounding me for pretty much everything as usual and I was hoping I had passed my tests to continue to senior year. He couldn't do that yet again. I kicked him out. As soon as he touched me I snapped. I wanted him out. I told him we were over and that I was done. He begged me to change my mind and I just slammed the door. I crossed my fingers that my mom didn't see him after she pulled in shortly after but she didn't mention him so I assumed I was in the clear. My ex tormented me since I broke up with him. He frequently pulled the suicide card and I was scared at first but then it was just bizarre to me. I know suicide should be taken seriously and if he was really going to do it, he would've done it already. I discussed my relationship issues with my Spanish teacher. She was extremely nice to me. I don't know if it was because I was barely passing her class but she would listen to me when class was over. She was my last class of the day. I would even take the activities bus just so I could talk to her. She told me to never go back to him and that he was toxic. I needed to end things and live my life the best I could. She knew I had a good heart. I ended things and never looked back. I have checked. He's still alive today living his own life with someone new. Hopefully all is well.