Struggling Towards Perfection

When I was a younger the image I had become was not pretty. At least not to me. My hair was never done correctly and I didn't know how to manage and take care of my hair myself. My mom took me to salons that family advised but Gene Juarez  Academy was not it. I would show them my favorite style and usually it was Rihanna's latest hair style and at the time it was that rocker phase. You know the pixie cut Riri pulled off so well and I swear I could be just like her if I really tried. But failed miserably. My hair was my enemy growing up. I wish I had my brothers hair which was extremely easy to maintain. He just needed a buzz cut every month or so and his hair was perfect. Me, my hair didn't look like the rest of my family. Oh yes, let me back track. When I said we were adopted, I meant to point out that my brother and I are black/African American. Our parents are Caucasian and my mom is from Wyoming and my dad is from Roy, Utah. So ya.. my brother and I are the only colored kids in the family. So of course naturally I want to look like everyone else instead of myself.  Who was I going to look up to? Who was I supposed to get my advice about my hair and how to take care of it. My mom tried... I don't think my dad has ever touched my hair. My hair is very course and curly. I grew up figuring out that water is not my friend. Water meant my hair would be an afro and that was the complete opposite image I was going for. I hated swimming activities for that very reason. I'm sure you know that lots of youth activities involve water. Sheesh, even going to the temple required water. I also have stretch marks on my legs. I grew up with them so being in a swimsuit was also uncomfortable for me. People would stare and I knew exactly what they were thinking. 

      The LDS church did not acknowledge people of color until the early 70's. I mean if you think about it, that wasn't that very long ago. This story is not about my family not accepting me and my brother. My story is about the church itself and it's teachings and how members even today don't understand racism, cultural differences, or apparently "don't see color". I am so thankful that my brother and I have a family that accepts us just as we are but the feelings of being an outsider are still there. Every time it was stake conference I would be eye sore all the time. Easy to spot. Can you imagine just constantly being the only few colored kids. Those who didn't know who my parents were assumed we were "visitors" or not from the United States. If you have ever been to Utah then you have seen the families that are Caucasian with African American children.  Mind you,  there is nothing wrong with that but it is definitely interesting and odd that are so many. I have read in some articles that Mormons believed that dark skin people were rebellious and unclean.  Being white meant being the purest of pure. My mom told me there was no negative motives about adopting us. She explained that they couldn't have children of their own so adopting was their choice. She said it didn't matter the race they just wanted children. My mom was more open about discussing the things after I grew up and moved on with my own life but I really wish she would've talked to me about my questions in the past because whenever I asked it turned into an argument.

      I was told I was being dramatic or selfish if I talked about my feelings of being the only one of color at church. I have no idea how my brother felt because he wasn't really around when I had started asking questions.  My dad had eventually taken my brother and my mom kept me. I had no interest in living with my dad. My dad to me was unsafe and being secure and not having to walk on eggshells hoping he wouldn't be angry that day was not what I wanted to be around. My brother didn't like following rules at our moms so he chose to live with my dad. Of course he absolutely had no structure and he did not graduate High School. Im unsure if he even got his GED but we can get to that side later on.

     Turning 13 was much worse.  According to society and the eyes of sick men 13 is the age where girls are no longer considered a kid but a girls journey to womanhood.  When I got my period, I was not taught how to use pads or tampons. It's like for some reason the discussions regarding the body and how it works is not something that was talked about. I went from trying to fold toilet paper a certain way in my underwear when I forgot my feminine products to trying to figure out I should use tampons or pads. I didn't know. Talking with my mom had always been weird and even just showing any kind of affection was and still is weird. It's not something we did. We only really talked about was church and school. I was once again figuring out things on my own. Education was extremely important to my mom. She expected a lot from me but the way my classes were set for me, I could not advance in anyway. My mom thought I consistently needed help in pretty much everything. Math, literacy, history, science whatever. I guess I was diagnosed with a learning disability. I grew up feeling stupid. I wasn't taking the kind of classes my cousins were taking or even the other kids at church. I have NEVER taken a difficult class in school. Everything was so easy that I became lazy. I'm surprised I made. I think my GPA was a solid B. 3.0 but definitely not 3.5. I don't mean to put myself down like that but its true. If my mom hand picked my classes and chose what she wanted for me and not wanting me to grow from grade to grade just like everyone else how was I supposed to get better? How was I supposed to figure out my own struggles? As far as I knew I was un-teachable. When it came to my SATs and ACTs I felt even more dumb. The reading was nothing like I'd been reading.  Don't even get me started on math because as soon as I saw the letters with numbers I about walked out of the testing room. Nope haven't seen that in my class. My classes were always small and away from the rest of my friends. I already knew that was not a good sign. 

     Now,  I'm not trying to make fun of or put down those who do have a learning disability. I 100% acknowledge the importance of these classes but for me I was just never given the chance. Why did my mom think I would never grow in my learning? Im doing pretty okay now. At least I hope so. I mean I'm trying to hopefully make this blog into a book so haha. So I hope I'm doing okay or this will be kind of awkward.