A Powerful Awakening

*Present Day*

I'm 28 years old and I am just now feeling like I have found my dream and purpose. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being a wife and mother but it took me a long time to realize it's okay if I want to be more than that. I wanted people to know who I am outside of that. I wanted to know who I was outside of that.  I have characteristics about myself that I have realized are damaging to me. I am a people pleaser and a perfectionist. I still struggle with this even today but I want to say I'm getting better. I have a really hard time with constantly cleaning. It's very hard for me to just leave my kids' messes alone and they don't even have to be big messes. I have struggled to always have the need to always be liked. Peers, friends, everyone. It didn't matter if I knew them for 2 years or 5 minutes. It wasn't until I a few years ago when I realized that it's okay not to be liked by someone. It shattered me to the core when I lost a friend that I thought we were going to be friends forever. We just grew apart.  I kept looking deeper into the situation and I really didn't need to. Nothing more needed to be said. We just fell off. This happens. It's normal but I didn't believe that at the time.  We aren't meant to keep some people in our lives for the rest of our lives. Some people are only in our lives for a short period and maybe it's to give us a lesson some how or maybe their time with us is only for a short period of time. I think sometimes I still had that mindset of "Families can be together forever" and I used that with friends not just family. 

I have realized, that I have always thought of others feelings before my own. It's similar to how I was raised. I had to make sure my mom was happy so I could be happy. I had to make sure my dad was happy. I had to make sure I was good so God would be pleased with me and I just kept burying my feelings. 

I worked for a job I hated deeply for a year. A FREAKING YEAR. I didn't desperately need this job either.  I stayed because I was needed and I stayed because I saw my boss needed workers. I made sure I was the absolute best. I wanted to prove I was worth keeping around.  I was a house cleaner. This job is not easy. There are times when the house is so bad that even a house cleaner couldn't help. Or even worse; cleaning a house that is already spit shine clean! But if it's on the schedule it had to be done. I did it whether i wanted to or not. Work was work. I had always enjoyed cleaning but this was different. You had to be perfect.  If you weren't, it would go against you. I made sure I bent over backwards for my clients. They loved me and some i built relationships with. Here I was though yet again trying to be perfect. So perfect it was literally killing me. As a cleaner, you have to give yourself breaks. Bathroom, food, etc..whatever. I ate on the way to my next job. I used the bathroom at a client's house and cleaned it afterwards. I was wasting no time giving myself a break. You're also timed when you work so being late also triggers my anxiety. I was good. My ratings were fire, my quarterly reviews were always outstanding and i was feeling really good about myself. But I was failing to realize I was l literally killing myself over a job. I had pushed my limits as far as they would go. I thought at the time some of my limits were small but when small problems pile up, it will just become one giant mess. I wanted to quit so many times but I couldn't. I kept replaying my skit over and over and I would practice what I was going to say for weeks. I would feel guilt and back down. I did this over and over until I realized by golly it's been a year I might as well stay. My brain: "HAHA, ya okay. If you don't tell them how you really feel, I'll make you." I waited until my mental health could no longer take my bull shit. 

I had my first anxiety attack on my way to work. I have experienced this feeling before but this was different.  I didn't understand this feeling as a young child but I remember exactly where I was. My childhood closet. I had to quickly pull over. I was on a highway in Missouri and it's a small town so not too much traffic. My chest hurt and my words would form but wouldn't come out. I had to pinch any part of my body just so I could feel something. It was as if everything went numb. I was able to get to secluded road away from traffic. My husband was away for work so I was unable to reach him. My next emergency contacts were my best friends. I called my co worker as well after I could find my voice. For what seemed like forever; probably only a minuet or two. At first,  I could only get crying out.  I told her I pulled over and that I couldn't finish the drive to work. I was only 7 minutes away. I had my boss' number but I was embarrassed to tell her.  I always showed up to work. I was only late a handful of times but it was never this bad. She could count on me for anything until this very moment.  My co worker helped me calm down. Even just her offering to stay on the phone until I was better was helpful.  

This moment took me back to my childhood memory. My closet. My closet is an old one. The one's with the wooden doors that overlap each other. If the doors got stuck it would bring instant rage.  Whenever I would feel overwhelmed or panic I would close my eyes really tight and wrap my arms around my bent knees. I would sit in my closet and wait for the feeling to pass. Anxiety is not something that was talked about at home.  I know something was up but mental illness wasn't something you talked about.  I was always told "when in doubt, pray", "Ask for a blessing", "Just have faith". Trust me,  I prayed all the time. It started to feel like I was on God's do not answer list. 

I had anxiety my whole life. Giving talks in church didn't help. I have a huge fear of spiders, the dark, being crowded, being in small spaces and public speaking. I was 27 when I finally received medication for my mental health. I can't believe I could've eased my suffering all this time. I was suffering through a lot on the outside but my brain wouldn't allow me to avoid being in fight or flight mode. I'm a better mother and wife because of my meds. I really wish someone would've listened to me in high school because my life could've been different at least in that area.  Mental health is just not supported in the LDS church.  They believe that God is the answer to all of our problems. "God will never give you anything you can't handle!", Give all your fears and anxieties to God. That's not how any of this works.  If I could hold my anxiety in my hands, I would toss it as far as I could. At the same time, I have had it for so long it's like a close toxic friend. I've accepted my anxiety and its kind of part of who I am.  I hate it but I don't know what it would be like without it.  My belief now is that there is no God. There is absolutely no way for us to even know. The God I was raised to believe has an agenda and if you were doing the things on that agenda you wouldn't be blessed.  I believe we are our own "God". We have our own thoughts and intuition. God was never there for me. I was.  I showed up for myself. I allowed others to show up for me too and I showed up for them.