The Neverending Show

So you know how as Mormons we don't discuss the topics of sex at all even just the education aspects and the importance of boundaries? Well being a 13 year old girl who all of sudden sees boys or girls as someone in a romantic type of way. Without the proper discussions I had to figure out my thoughts and feeling myself.

I was raised to believe that my thoughts were also God's thoughts. My thoughts needed to be clean and if they weren't I needed to repent. I struggled with my thoughts for years. I felt like I was constantly confused and thought there was something wrong with me. Not only can I not learn right in school but I was constantly asking God for forgiveness because my thoughts were unclean. I knew I had to figure this out because I would be going to the temple with the other kids. You're supposed to be ready for the temple and they ask you questions about your readiness. 

1. Do you have faith in and a testimony of God, the Eternal Father; His Son, Jesus Christ; and the Holy Ghost?

2. Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and of His role as your Savior and Redeemer?

3. Do you have a testimony of the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ?

4. Do you sustain the president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer, and revelator and as the only person on the earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? 

5. Do you strive for moral cleanliness in your thoughts and behavior? Do you obey the law of chastity?

6. Do you follow the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ in your private and public behavior with members of your family and others?

6. Do you support or promote any teachings, practices, or doctrine contrary to those of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

7. Do you strive to keep the Sabbath day holy, both at home and at church; attend your meetings; prepare for and worthily partake of the sacrament; and live your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel?

8. Do you strive to be honest in all that you do?

9. Do you understand and obey the Word of Wisdom?

10. Are there serious sins in your life that need to be resolved with priesthood authorities as part of your repentance?

11. Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord’s house and participate in temple ordinances?

I never answered these questions truthfully. I only gave them the answers I wanted them to hear. Only yes answers as confidently as I could. I felt I had to because if you didn't go to the temple with everyone else, everyone would know. They would see that you don't participate in the monthly trips to the temple. They would see that you can't partake of the sacrament.  They would see that you sit in the back of the congregation in the hard chairs just so you can try not to draw too much attention to yourself but no matter how hard you try you will always be noticed. You already know. You're black in a white dominated church. You have to work 10 times harder than the rest to prove to them you belong there and that you're worthy of being there. That you're also are worthy of being in the temple. You want to be clean too. You are trying and you know that no matter how hard you try you are never going to be enough. You will never be anyone's first choice to the dance. And even if you're someone's first choice you still have to get acceptance from the family. You see, it's a Neverending cycle of a quiet and dangerous battle. If you're like me, at some point you break. You can no longer hold on and you feel like exiting stage left. The show needs to end but the audience will always be there. In your thoughts, at home, at school, and at church.